There is nothing ‘domestic’ about the abuse of a partner or child, whether it happens within, or outside of, the home. That is why I refrain from using the word ‘domestic’ when speaking about abuse or violence, because I believe it diminishes the seriousness of the situation, and the plight of the victim. There was a time when people used to ‘not interfere’, or ‘stay out of it’ because a couple were ‘only having a domestic’. So let’s not refer to what is happening to many women, men and children as ‘domestic abuse’. It is simply ‘abuse’, perhaps abuse of the worst kind imaginable.
There was a time, not so long ago, when it was acceptable for a man to ‘chastise’ his wife, even to the point of striking or beating her. In what we call the ‘developed world’. It wasn’t until the 1800’s that it became unacceptable. Where children are concerned they were subject to corporal punishment until much later. Unbelievably ‘caning’ was not made illegal in Ireland or the U.K until the 1980’s. Some people, I fear, still consider it acceptable to ‘chastise’ their children physically. Fortunately there are laws against ‘child abuse’. So is the law catching up with life in this modern world, as far as ‘abusive marriages’ or ‘abusive relationships’ are concerned? In some ways it has, but I’m not sure that it is quite there yet. The law has always been slow to interfere with the institution of marriage in particular. Why? It is difficult enough to regulate the interaction, or behaviour of friends and neighbours, never mind husband and wife, partners and children. It is an area where the issue of privacy is very much to the forefront, and in a free, democratic society people are entitled not to have unwarranted interference in their private lives. However where a life, or lives are in danger, and not just physically, then the law must interject to protect, or prevent further harm. Before the 1970’s, a wife, husband, partner could, in the event that he or she has been physically assaulted, or threatened with violence, make a report or complaint to the police. However an investigation would have to be carried out by the police before any charges or action could be taken. And if it was found there was a case to be answered, then it may involve a wife, or husband, facing off against her, or his, other half in court. Which hearing would be in public. A situation which would be less than satisfactory. Also during the course of the investigation, there was nothing to stop the accused remaining in the home, unless he or she has been charged, and that the court has made it a condition of bail that he or she move out. As an alternative an abused person could apply to the civil courts for an ‘injunction’. For most people the legal fees involved were prohibitive, and the abuser could, by his or her actions, make it more expensive. For example if he or she chose to ignore the injunction, more applications to the court would be necessary, as the police could do nothing without a further court order. So in the 1970’s the state or law makers, in their wisdom, decided to enact laws whereby an aggrieved husband or wife, who was the subject of abuse, could, himself or herself, apply to the court to have their abuser removed from the home. Without going into the fine details, if the court was, after hearing the evidence, of the opinion that the ‘safety or welfare’ of the applicant or dependent required it, then the court would make an order (in Ireland known as a ‘barring order’). If the abuser was still living in the home at the date of the court hearing, then the court would order him, or her, to leave the home, usually immediately (perhaps allowing some short time to gather up their personal belongings), and to remain away from the home for a specified period of time, which could extend to a number of years, or in some cases permanently. If the abuser had already left the home before the court date, then the court would make an order requiring him, or her, to remain away from the home for the specified period. In either case the court may, and usually would, if requested, make an order that the abuser, the person to whom the order is addressed, refrain from:-
Anyone who failed to comply with the order, or orders, of the court, could and would be arrested, without warrant or further court order, once a complaint has been made by, or on behalf of, his, or her, partner, and brought back before the court, where he, or she, could possibly be jailed for a period. You would think that the threat, or risk, of going to jail, would make any law abiding citizen think twice, before ignoring the order of the court. But abusers are not, by their nature, law abiding citizens. They are more focused on what they want, or on getting even with those they have perceived to have wronged them, who, in their eyes, are the cause of their present situation. In addition, there is a procedure to be followed before a barring order can be made by the court. A woman, or man, who is being abused, must in the first instance go to a solicitor, or directly to the court office, and have a summons issued against their abuser, requiring them to appear before the court to answer the allegations against them. This summons must be served on the abuser, whether by post, or personally, at least a number of days, and possibly weeks, before the hearing date. He, or she, does not have to leave the home in the meantime, unless an emergency barring order is made immediately, but these orders are rare. So the abuser, knowing that his victim is attempting to have him, or her, removed from the home, can continue to reside in the home for the meantime. How does that work for the victim? Obviously there is not going to be any convivial communication, or interaction. The atmosphere is going to be frosty, for want of a better word. The only thing preventing further abuse taking place, would be the fact that the abuser might be making things worse for himself, or herself, when it comes to the court proceedings. If the victim is afraid of repercussions from the fact of the abuser being served with the summons, she, or he, can ask the court to make a ‘temporary order’ (in Ireland known as a ‘safety order’). The court through use of the ‘safety order’ directs the abuser:-
Again this is all very well if the abuser is afraid, or at least concerned, that he or she be arrested. But he, or she, by his or her mere presence, can continue to cause the victim, further stress and anxiety, without being in breach of the court order. He, or she, can go about his or her daily activities in the home, share cooking facilities, and be in the same room as the victim, without saying or doing anything that could be perceived as threatening. Anyone who has been through this procedure will understand. The law is far from perfect in the way it handles, or can handle, abuse within relationships. The question is what else can it do? The law, has in recent years, at least in this part of the world, begun to recognise that abuse is not always physical, and has introduced a law against ‘coercive control’. The professionals have long since recognised, that violence in relationships, and violence against women in particular, including sexual assault and rape, is mainly about control. And now, thankfully, the law is prepared to support those who find themselves in a ‘controlling relationship or situation’, and those convicted of the offence of ‘coercive and controlling behaviour’ can be imprisoned. However even if they are jailed, and not many have been as yet, it will not be forever. It is likely to be a relatively short time, months rather than years. This brings me to the next question. What happens in the long term? If a relationship is abusive, or has been abusive, can things change, can it survive? In my own experience, as a practising solicitor/lawyer, no relationship in which a barring order has been granted has. A barring order, or even an application to the court for a barring order, usually indicates that the relationship is over. So you could say that the real purpose of a ‘barring order’, or any court order against an abuser, is to protect the victim, or victims, while he, or she, sorts out her or his future, whether it be a break-up, legal separation, or divorce. But the very fact that these types of orders are necessary indicates that the abuser is not simply going to stop, or give up easily. This is the sad fact of the matter. Too many people, women in the main, are seriously injured, or lose their lives, at the hands of a disgruntled, or malicious, husband, wife or partner. Despite the fact that, in any criminal investigation, he or she is usually the prime suspect. This just goes to show how volatile such relationships can be. But is it that there are just so many ‘control freaks’ out there, or are we failing, as a society, to educate our children in how to handle intimate relationships, and more importantly how not to handle them. I’m not sure if we can change those who have already developed such a mindset, that they believe that it’s alright to exert control over another, by means of physical or mental abuse. But, hopefully, we can, through teaching and example, mould the minds, thoughts and attitudes of our young people, so that they can be better partners, parents and grandparents, and have nothing but respect for the ones they love, or are supposed to love. After all sex education is now something that is widespread in our schools. We should teach our children, not only about the physical elements of a relationship, but about all aspects of loving, and living, with someone, what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. If our children are being taught how to interact in the physical sense, then they should also be taught how to communicate their feelings, without losing control of themselves. Despite the fact that I have gained knowledge, down the years, of what goes on in an abusive relationship, I don’t pretend to know how to change, or eradicate them, once and for all. But if there is any hope then it lies in the people of the next generation. Maybe they will see, and understand, what is wrong in our personal relationships, and choose not to perpetuate the problem. Here’s hoping.
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Not all control freaks are abusers, and not all abusers are control freaks. There is, I believe, a control freak lurking inside all of us, to one degree or another. Everyone likes to get their own way from time to time. But having the final say over things such as which movie to watch, what to have for dinner, or where to go on holiday, does not mean that you are a ‘control freak’ in the same way as the character, John, is in my book. In all relationships day to day decisions have to be made, and someone has to make them. It might be agreed, or accepted, for example, that one partner deals with the finances, banks the money, pays the bills. Or, it may well be that, each partner contributes equally. But a relationship only becomes abusive, or controlling, when one partner insists on having the final say in all things, including how the other partner dresses, who he or she socialises with, communicates with, and when his or her failure to comply results in physical or mental abuse or punishment.
Although we are living in the twenty-first century, there are still too many victims of what we used to term ‘domestic abuse’. It’s not a term I agree with. To my mind it makes it sound innocuous, or harmless. So much so that people refuse, or are reluctant to get involved, when partners are engaged in an argument, even when it gets physical. You might sometimes hear someone say ‘they’re having a domestic, leave them to it’. Should you be allowed to abuse someone, without interference, verbally, mentally or physically, just because you are married to them, living with them, or in an intimate relationship with them? I might say here, for the avoidance of doubt, that I am including family relationships, such as father and child, mother and child, brother and sister, sister and sister etc. The sad fact is that the powers that be, that is the law makers, in the form of policing or court proceedings, didn’t always provide a solution, or an adequate solution for victims of ‘abuse’. Historically, husbands were allowed to ‘chastise’ their wives. That didn’t change until the late 1800’s, and amazing as it may seem, the first legislation against ‘domestic violence’ wasn’t until the mid 1970’s. There have been developments in the law over the past 45 years, but does it go far enough? In my opinion, despite the most recent legislation, dealing with coercive control, it still doesn’t. I know, from my thirty years of practising law, that it is not easy, nor always possible, to effectively enforce laws pertaining to personal relationships. So many times I have witnessed a victim appearing before a judge, only to withdraw the complaint against his or her husband, wife or partner. But there should be consequences, and if a formal complaint has been made to the Gardai or policing authority in the first instance, a court should have the power to fully hear and deal with the case. Some judges will, but not all. The question is whether the courtroom is actually the correct forum to deal with ‘abuse within relationships’. In some instances it is obvious that two people don’t belong together, and hence that relationship should be dissolved, and the victim of any abuse within that relationship should be protected by means of a ‘barring order’ or ‘restraining order’. However such an order needs to mean something. There has to be serious consequences for those who ignore it, so serious that he or she would think long and hard, before doing so. A slap on the wrist, or a judge saying ‘don’t ignore my order again, or else’ is just not sufficient. But what about an ‘abusive situation’ (I purposefully refrain from using the term ‘abusive relationship’) where the victim wants the ‘abuse’ to end, but not the relationship. How do we deal with this? When a man, or woman, is barred from what they consider their home, or is even told that he or she can remain in the home, but is not to act in a certain manner, a manner which causes his or her partner to be fearful or apprehensive, how are they going to take it? Is there going to be no going back, is this going to be the end of the relationship? Is the person against whom the order is made man, or woman, enough to recognise they are wrong, and change their ways? Or are they going to be, and remain, resentful, against the victim, the police, the court and everyone involved? Is there, or should there be, an alternative solution? Is there any way, short of court proceedings, to fix the situation, and get the relationship back on track? We tend to pour an awful lot of money into ‘crime and punishment’, paying for police, lawyers and judges, to determine who is guilty, what they are guilty of, and what their punishment should be. However this system does not get to the root of the problem, especially in cases of ‘intimate abuse’ where husbands, wives, partners, children, siblings are involved. If there is one saying that, to me, has a ring of truth, it is this ‘prevention is better than cure’. And that applies to an awful lot of things in this world. We need to go back to basics. What causes our relationships to be, or become, abusive? Why does one person become an abuser, and another become a victim? Are we born one or the other? I don’t think so. As children we learn how to behave, not always by what we are told to do. We often rebel against that. But we do learn from what we witness, what we witness adults doing. Especially in the home in which we live. And unless someone convinces us that what happens in our home is unacceptable, how are we to know that it is. I’m not saying that all children who see one of their parents abuse the other grow up thinking that it’s alright for them to do the same thing, or to suffer the same thing, or that all children who are abused, in any manner, grow up to be abusers. But such behaviour within the home doesn’t help the development of a child’s fragile mind. Where am I going with this? I have been part of the legal system for about thirty years. I have witnessed the breakdown of relationships, not only marital, but all kinds of family relationships. I have seen how the legal system deals with those breakdowns. Or has tried to deal with them. The legal system does not offer a satisfactory solution. So what does, or what can? I believe the solution lies in education, of our children. There was a time when we were told that ‘children should be seen and not heard’. There was a time when we used to say ‘not in front of the children’. Sadly in some households that didn’t apply to drunkenness and abuse. What I’m getting at is this. Just as we have introduced ‘sex education’ and ‘social sciences’ into our school curriculum, we need to introduce how to, and how not to, relate to each other in familial and intimate relationships. We shouldn’t be afraid to let our children know, when of a suitable age, that abuse exists within relationships, a fact which many of them may already know, but are afraid to admit. To let them know that it is wrong. That it doesn’t have to be that way. That they can have a loving relationship, a loving marriage, a relationship based on trust, friendship and togetherness, without the need for fear, doubt and suspicion. And to teach them that it’s alright if it doesn’t work out, that it’s ok to walk away, that it’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just life. That they can still both love their children, and do what’s best for them. If we want to change things it all starts with the children, doesn’t it? NEXT BLOG POST: Abuse and The Law It’s not easy to know what to write about for this, my first blog. My website is seanmcglynnauthor.com. My first, and so far only, book is ‘Control Freak’. My website already tells you about me, and about the book, as well as allowing you to read the first chapter.
So I’ve decided to write about writing. Why? Because my book is my first serious foray into writing, and my first publication, and why not share my experience with others, who may want to, or are already, trying their hand at writing. They say, or someone once said, that anyone can write a book. I believe it. I did. Granted I am lucky enough to have had the education, and experience, to make it possible, but if you read my book you will see that it is not particularly complicated, either in content, or language. It is a story. And anyone can tell a story, can’t they? As to the writing, there are editors who will edit, and correct, the text for you. All of us have heard stories in our lifetime, from parents, grandparents, friends or acquaintances. All of us have had experiences in life. Writing is simply telling, or retelling, those stories and experiences, adding your own twists and turns, if need be. I am not going to tell you to write, or not to write, or how to write. But if you have ever had the notion to write, don’t hold back. I started writing my book a number of years ago. I have written poems from time to time, and also wrote a short one act play. But only family members, and a few choice friends have read them. So it was a big step for me to have my book published, and let anyone read it. On the one hand it is a nice feeling when someone says that they enjoyed it. On the other hand it is not nice when someone criticises it. But that is life. Not everyone is going to like it, or enjoy it, but the hope is that enough people will find it interesting, and/or entertaining to have made it all worthwhile. If it goes on to sell thousands of copies I won’t, of course, be complaining. But it is not realistic to expect that your first book, whether it be a work of fiction or non-fiction, will go on to earn you enough money to retire, or even to live on. There are so many authors, and so many books out there, that finding yours selling as many as, or more than, others, is a surprise rather than an expectation. So now it sounds like I’m encouraging you not to write. Not at all. Writing ‘Control Freak’ has given me great pleasure. During the course of writing (which took a number of years, although yours doesn’t have to), it was necessary to read and re-read it, over and over, and sometimes I thought to myself ‘Did I write that? It sounds quite good. I would read this book’. But then at other times I felt that what I wrote was not good enough and, believe me, I wrote and re-wrote so many chapters. I would still be rewriting had I not decided that ‘enough is enough’. I believe that Frank O’Connor used to edit his books even after they had been published. That would be me, if I didn’t restrain myself. Back to writing, and you. If you feel like writing, write. Someday, you may publish what you have written, but even if you don’t, I do think you will get pleasure from it. And speaking of publishing, it is not easy to get your book published. Publishers get thousands, if not tens of thousands, of manuscripts every year. But there are a good number of publishers out there, so if you are trying to get published, send your manuscript to as many as possible. Publishers will now accept, and many only accept, your manuscript by email. For you, that means no printing, nor postage costs. That’s a bonus. But what about getting published? How does it happen? If you are lucky enough, and some kindly publisher is wowed by your book, you may get your book published at no cost to you. However that is best case scenario. More likely the publisher will ask you to make a contribution towards the publication costs, possibly up to £2,500.00 or £3,000.00. What do you get for your money? Well firstly they will edit, or assist you, in editing your book (which is very important). They will provide the cover art, again in consultation with you, the writer. They will publish, print and most importantly distribute your book. If you browse the internet you will read articles which discourage you from entering into this type of contract. But what’s the alternative? Self-publishing. If you self-publish, you will have to find someone to edit, at your own cost. You will have to find a printer, pay the printer to set up the template for your book, pay for each copy to be printed, and find your own way to distribute or sell your book. Reputable publishers, who have been in business for years, have the means to distribute your book, not only in your own country, but worldwide, via booksellers, in bookshops and through various websites. Your book can also be made available in e-book format (e.g. Kindle). There is no way you can do this yourself, and certainly not without spending thousands, or tens of thousands, of pounds. If there is one thing I need to tell you about getting published it is this. NEVER give up the COPYRIGHT to your book. Well not unless you get enough money to live on for the rest of your life. A publishing contract should contain a clause that ‘the copyright remains with the author’ or some such similar clause that makes it clear that you, as the author, retain the copyright, regardless of publishing rights. Also understand that a publisher is, usually, not bound to actively promote your book, or sell so many copies. It is, of course, in their interests that your book sells, as they are getting money from it. But, as I have found, you need to promote yourself, and your book. Unless you have an agent. But that is another story (no pun intended). Writing is an art, it takes willingness, dedication, and practice. But it is enjoyable. Your first book, in most cases, will not make you a millionaire, far from it. But it may be the first rung on the ladder to a new career, and hopefully a successful one. Like any career path, you have to choose it, and work at it. But one good thing is that you can do it in your spare time. You don’t have to rely on it as your main income. It is worth a try. And if you decide it is for you, I salute you, and best of luck. Sean McGlynn |
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